I keep hearing this wisdom about forgiveness being for *you*, not for the person who wronged you. That forgiving someone is about letting go of anger so it doesn't poison your own soul. That you don't do it for them - you do it for yourself.

And I think that's sometimes true. But I also think it's become a way of absolving wrongdoers without requiring them to actually change anything.

My ex-husband was emotionally abusive. For years after we split, mutual friends would gently suggest I'd be happier if I forgave him. That holding onto anger was hurting me. So eventually I did the work - therapy, meditation, the whole thing. I let go of the rage. And you know what? I *was* lighter. I *was* freer.

But he still saw nothing wrong with how he treated me. He still treated his new partner the same way. And I realized my forgiveness had accomplished exactly nothing except making me feel noble while he continued unchanged.

Forgiveness isn't actually healing if the person forgiven doesn't recognize what they did. It's just you deciding to stop bothering them with your reasonable anger. It's emotional labor you're doing to make *them* more comfortable.

I think we've confused forgiveness with acceptance. I've accepted what happened. I've accepted that he is who he is. But forgive him? For what? For refusing to see the damage he caused? For never apologizing? For never changing? That's not forgiveness. That's just me abandoning the last valid claim I had against him.

Real forgiveness requires the other person to actually *see* what they did. Without that, it's just another way of silencing victims and letting perpetrators walk free feeling morally clean.