You know what's funny? I agree with everything you said, and it's made my life harder. I'm a guy who's always been comfortable with emotions, wanted to be an involved dad, all of it. And I've watched the goalpost move throughout my life. When I was a kid, being sensitive was weird. Now it's expected, which is better, except - and I'm going to sound ridiculous saying this - it's become its own performance.

I can't just *be* a person with complicated feelings. I have to perform my vulnerability correctly or I get labeled as 'toxic' or 'doing the work.' My ex-girlfriend left me because I was 'too emotional' and also - in her own words - 'not emotional in the way I needed.' What does that even mean? It's exhausting.

And yes, custody stuff is ridiculous. Yes, paternity leave is inadequate. Yes, men who work with kids get automatically suspected. These are real problems.

But I also notice that when men's issues come up, women often treat it like we're trying to take something away. Like equity is pie and if men get a slice, women have less. That's not how this works. Making paternity leave better doesn't hurt women. Supporting male mental health doesn't diminish women's movements.

I just want to exist without it feeling like I'm either performing masculinity wrong *or* performing sensitivity wrong. Is that what you mean?

My dad killed himself when I was twelve. Not directly related to your post, but maybe it is. He was the kind of guy who couldn't talk about anything hard. Successful, looked fine on the outside, completely isolated on the inside. My mom begged him to go to therapy. His friends didn't know he was struggling. He definitely didn't know how to ask for help.

So when I read your thing, some of it lands. The part about men not being able to admit to struggling without losing their identity? That feels real to me. That feels like something that cost me my father.

But here's what I'd push back on: the conversation *is* happening. It's just not happening in the places where men traditionally did all the talking. There are therapists, support groups, podcasts, whole movements now around male vulnerability and mental health. My younger brother - he's openly talking to his friends about his anxiety in a way our dad never could have. That's a real shift.

The infrastructure problem is real too. But I don't think the answer is less expectation for men to be emotionally available. I think it's creating actual support systems so they *can* be. Therapy access. Paid parental leave. Men's groups that aren't just venting about women. That's the work. It's not women who need to ease up on expecting men to be human. It's society that needs to make it easier to actually be that.

I think you're confusing discomfort with oppression, and that's the core issue here. Your brother getting some awkward looks and unsolicited parenting advice is annoying. It's also not the same structural barrier that women face in custody courts. These aren't equivalent problems, even if they're both real.

Let me reframe: what's actually being asked of men isn't radical. We're asking you to stop pretending emotions don't exist. We're asking you to participate in childcare as if it's normal work, not a favor to your partner. We're asking you to be present. These are incredibly basic human asks. The fact that they feel revolutionary says more about what came before than what's being demanded now.

The 'narrow masculinity' problem you're describing? That's not feminism's fault. That's patriarchy doing exactly what patriarchy does - constraining everyone into boxes. Feminism is the attempt to break those boxes. When you interpret that as 'men are being squeezed,' you're basically saying the problem is that you're not comfortable being put in the same box women have been forced into our entire lives.

So yes, create better paternity leave. Yes, fight custody discrimination. Yes, support male mental health. But don't frame that as women having 'too much' or feminism having 'gone too far.' The alternative to narrow masculinity isn't special treatment for men. It's actual freedom for everyone. We're not there yet.

You're touching on something real, but I think you're framing it wrong. The issue isn't that society has swung too far in women's favor - it's that we're still operating on outdated gender scripts that constrain everyone. Your brother probably *does* get looked at weird by some people, but that's not because feminism 'went too far.' It's because we haven't actually finished the work of seeing men as full human beings capable of caregiving.

Here's the thing though: most of the structural problems you're describing - custody defaults, paternity leave gaps, suspicion of male teachers - these aren't caused by women's rights movements. They're relics of systems that viewed women as primary caregivers and men as economic providers. Fixing those problems *is* part of the feminist project, even if it benefits men. Nobody wins when fathers can't bond with their kids or when teaching is seen as suspect work for men.

But - and this is important - we can't talk about men's issues in a vacuum. When men's struggles are framed as evidence that women got 'too much,' it derails the actual work. Your brother's situation sucks. The solution isn't to take something away from women. It's to keep pushing for policies and attitudes that let everyone be fully human. That's not a zero-sum game unless we treat it like one.

Okay so I'll be honest: reading this made me defensive at first, but then my boyfriend and I had the exact conversation you're describing. He'd never tell his friends he's struggling with depression because... well, he just *wouldn't*. And I realized I'd unconsciously become his emotional manager, which is exhausting for both of us.

What you're saying about the contradictions is real. Men are told to be vulnerable but also stoic, involved dads but not 'too soft,' emotionally available but not weak. That's a trap. It absolutely exists.

But I want to push back on one thing: when you say 'we've created this expectation' and 'we haven't updated the infrastructure' - who's 'we'? Women fought *hard* for the right to say men should be better partners and fathers. That was us saying: we're not doing this alone anymore. The infrastructure didn't update because the people with power - largely men in positions to change policy - didn't prioritize it.

I'm not saying that's men's fault as a whole. I'm saying the solution isn't less pressure on men to be present. It's actually *more* pressure on institutions and policy makers to make that possible. The problem isn't feminism. The problem is it's incomplete. And yeah, men need to be part of finishing that work.