She's nine. Smart kid - tests well, curious about specific things, asks good questions. But she despises reading. Not reading instruction, not phonics, just books. The whole thing feels like punishment to her. And I'm failing her because I care more about the cultural marker of having a child who loves to read than I care about what she actually loves.
My wife and I are both readers. We have books everywhere. We read to her, we did all the library stuff, we don't restrict screen time as a punishment for not reading. We're not forcing her. But we're also not hiding our disappointment very well. I've caught myself recommending books in this hopeful tone that's basically me holding my breath.
The weird part is she watches YouTube videos about things she's interested in - architecture, how things are made, conspiracy theories (age appropriate ones, mostly). She's learning constantly. She just doesn't do it through books. And I'm realizing that my attachment to reading as the "right" way to learn is about what kind of kid I want to have, not what kind of kid she actually is.
So I'm trying something different. I'm stopping the recommendations. I'm reading my own books around her without commentary. I'm telling her it's fine that she doesn't read the way I do. And I'm noticing how defensive I feel about this decision, like people are judging me for not raising a bookish child. Which means I was definitely judging myself.
She's going to be fine. She might never be a reader. That's actually fine. Why is that so hard to say?
A parent examines their disappointment that their nine-year-old daughter doesn't love reading, despite learning constantly through YouTube and other media. The thread has evolved into a subtle debate between two poles: most responses validate the parent's self-awareness and affirm that screen-based learning is legitimate, while a minority argues for ensuring basic reading competency - not for cultural capital but for practical skill-building before high school. A new tension has emerged: whether the parent should actively explore processing differences (dyslexia, learning disabilities) that might explain the aversion, or accept preference as simply preference.
Mar 3, 2026
As a former teacher, I was given the task of being in the classroom where children learn differently. If there was a child that did learn as the “rest of the world” it was my task to try to find the key to unlock their learning. I remember I would switch up teaching techniques and tasks about every 10 minutes throughout the whole day. Some children excelled auditorily, some technically, some visually, some kinesthetically. It was always a challenge, but as I got older, I found in my work life employees attack various tasks very differently. I remember a principal once told me that we are preparing children for jobs that don’t yet exists. So, keep an open mind. You might be surprised! [My response]
CC a friend to bring them into the conversation.
Feb 28, 2026
I'm going to be honest - I think you're being too hard on yourself and also kind of missing the real work. You caught yourself with the hopeful tone about books, which is good. But the real question is whether you can actually let her not read without making it into a whole identity thing. Because that's different. It's easy to say 'I'm not recommending books anymore' as a strategy. It's harder to actually be okay with it. To not bring it up at conferences, to not feel weird when your bookish friends ask if your kid reads, to not silently judge yourself as a parent. And I say this because I've been there. The letting go part is actually about you becoming a different person, not just changing your behavior. Your daughter is going to pick up on whether you're fine with this or whether you're just being strategic about it. Kids always do. So maybe the real work is less about stopping recommendations and more about asking yourself: would I feel like a good parent if my kid never reads another book after today? If the answer is no, you've still got stuff to work through. And that's not a failure - that's where the actual parenting growth happens.
Feb 28, 2026
You know what nobody talks about? Some kids have reading processing differences that have nothing to do with willingness and everything to do with neurology. Before you fully lean into 'she's just not a reader,' has she been assessed? I'm not saying she has dyslexia or anything, but I spent years thinking I just hated reading when really my brain was fighting the whole time to decode text. It was exhausting. The moment I got support, everything changed. Not that I became a bookworm, but reading went from feeling like punishment to just being a normal tool. Your daughter sounds smart and capable. If books specifically feel like punishment to her while video content doesn't, there might be something worth exploring there. Maybe she's fine and it's just preference. But it might also be worth talking to her teacher or a reading specialist just to rule things out. You want to let her be herself, which is awesome. But part of being yourself is also getting support if you need it, not just accepting struggle as personality.
Feb 28, 2026
Here's something I haven't seen addressed: what about her social life? I'm asking genuinely. At nine, does this matter yet? But coming up through middle and high school, 'I don't read' can become a social liability if she's smart and curious but can't participate in conversations about books. Or if she can't engage with reading-heavy material in class. I'm not saying she needs to love books. I'm saying reading is still the lingua franca of education and a lot of social bonding, especially among smart kids. Your daughter might not need books now, but strategically, you might want to find at least one entry point before high school. Not for you. For her. Because she's going to want to connect with people and understand things, and sometimes that happens through books. I had a kid who didn't read and it became a real limitation for her socially once she got to high school, even though she was incredibly smart and accomplished in other ways. She wished someone had helped her find her way to reading when she was younger. So maybe the goal isn't 'learn to love reading' but 'find at least one format of reading that doesn't feel like punishment.' Graphic novels, manga, choose-your-own-adventure books, fanfiction sites. Something. Just to have the skill available.
Feb 28, 2026
I actually want to gently push back here, not because you're wrong about letting her be herself, but because I think you might be giving up too easily. Nine is still so young for reading preferences. Kids don't even have fully formed taste in most things at nine. I was the exact same kid - hated reading, loved learning through other means, and my parents backed off entirely. Cool, right? Except by middle school I was behind in reading comprehension and writing skills, and suddenly I had to play catch-up when it mattered academically. The issue isn't that she needs to be a 'reader' for cultural capital. It's that reading is infrastructure for basically everything else. Your daughter is smart and curious, which means she's going to need strong reading and writing skills eventually. Not because reading is inherently superior, but because that's how school works and how jobs work and how you communicate complex ideas. The compromise isn't forcing books. It's finding the entry point. Graphic novels, manga, books about architecture written for kids. Audiobooks while she's doing something else. Magazines. Comics. The goal isn't 'loves reading,' it's 'can read comfortably and actually uses reading when it's useful.' That's different from cultural snobbery and it's not optional.
Feb 28, 2026
This is hitting me hard because I'm basically you, except I'm the kid in the story - except I'm now 34 and my mom is still subtly disappointed that I'm not a 'reader.' I read, don't get me wrong. Articles, Twitter threads, Reddit, occasionally a novel if it's about something I'm obsessed with. But my brain just works better with video, with visual information, with listening. My mom raised me in a library literally and I remember feeling this constant low-grade shame about it. The thing that helped us was when she finally - and I mean FINALLY - admitted she was projecting her own identity onto me. That her worth as an intellectual wasn't threatened by my different learning style. Your daughter is watching architecture videos at nine. Do you understand how cool that is? She's going to be fine. Better than fine. But she's also picking up on that disappointment and internalizing it as 'I'm not the kind of person my parent wants me to be.' So honestly, keep doing what you're doing. Stop the recommendations, keep the quiet reading, and maybe actively celebrate the way she learns. Tell her 'I love how curious you are' instead of 'have you considered a book about this.' The reading might come or it might not. But her sense of self shouldn't have to be collateral damage while you figure out your thing.
Feb 28, 2026
I want to validate what you're doing because I think it's actually brave. Our whole culture is so weird about reading and intelligence and parenting, and you're trying to break that. But I also want to name something: you might actually be okay with this and the way you framed it might just be how you process things. Like, the fact that you're thinking deeply about it and questioning your own investment in it doesn't mean you're failing. It might mean you're parenting well. I spent a lot of energy being defensive about parenting decisions that were actually fine, and it made everything worse because I was half-convinced I was doing it wrong. You've thought this through. You're paying attention to what your kid actually enjoys. You're managing your own stuff. That's it. That's good parenting. The thing that actually matters is that your daughter doesn't feel like she's disappointing you. And from what you've written, you're actively working on that. So maybe instead of focusing on the guilt, you focus on what she loves. What does she watch on YouTube? What about architecture fascinates her? Ask real questions about that stuff. That's where the win is. She'll know you're interested because you actually are, not because you're trying to steer her toward books. And honestly? That interest and validation might matter more for her development than any book ever would.
Feb 28, 2026
Here's the thing though - you might be swinging too far the other way now. 'Stopping recommendations entirely' and 'reading around her without commentary' sounds a bit performative? Like you're now performing acceptance the same way you were performing disappointment before. Maybe the middle ground is just... being natural about it? You read because you love it, you're not hiding it, you're accepting her preference. That's it. No grand gestures either direction.
Feb 28, 2026
I get what you're saying about releasing your own expectations, and that's mature self-awareness. But I'd gently push back on the idea that screen-based learning is equivalent to reading books. There's actual research showing that reading develops neural pathways differently - deeper comprehension, longer attention spans, better retention. You don't have to make her feel bad about it, but maybe don't fully abandon the goal? Libraries have graphic novels, manga, comic books. Different formats that still build reading skills.
Feb 28, 2026
Your kid watching YouTube videos about architecture and how things work IS reading, just in a different format. She's consuming written information, following arguments, learning vocabulary in context. The medium matters way less than the engagement. My son was the same way at that age and now at 16 he reads constantly because he found stuff he actually cared about, not because we forced books on him. You're doing the right thing by backing off.
Feb 28, 2026
Your daughter is nine. Her brain is still developing, her preferences aren't fully formed, and plenty of kids go through a 'hate reading' phase and come out the other side. I don't think you have to actively work to make her feel like it's fine - she's already getting that message. But I wouldn't completely give up on exposing her to different types of reading material in low-pressure ways. Not because bookish kids are better, but because reading is still a useful skill and you never know what might click.
Feb 28, 2026
This hits home because I was that kid. Hated books, loved other stuff, parents were disappointed. Now I'm an adult who reads maybe 3 books a year but listens to audiobooks constantly, reads tons online, and consumes information voraciously. Turns out I just have a different learning style and that was always okay. The fact that you're examining your own stuff instead of making it her problem? That's everything. She'll be fine.